if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
