How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
