Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
