My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
