I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
