I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I wish you could order shots online.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
