Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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