Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
