You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I'm really busy with my period
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