Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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