i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize