I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
