My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
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And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
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Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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