ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
