note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
