He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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