My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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