I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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