It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made out with two different species that night
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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