I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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