I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
North Korea, Best Korea!
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
