he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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