Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
