We need to rekindle our bromance
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
