between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
