I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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