I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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