Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
