what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
