i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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