she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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