I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
