and next time when you feel me up, do it right
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
