I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
