Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
