My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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