He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
