dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
