I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
