dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
