If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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