She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
