Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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