do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
