oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
