The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
