I cockslap morals
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
