had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
