I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
