dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
