Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
