my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
