she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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