Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
